Confessions of a Philaphobic
by PrismaticCollaborations
Summary: I'm Lily Evans and I am absolutely terrified of romance.
1. Chapter 1

Lily Evans sat at her desk during a History of Magic class in her second year. She was so focused that she didn't notice any of her fellow students nodding off or just not paying attention. Her full attention was devoted to the story of the Chamber of Secrets as if it were the only thing that mattered at the moment, and she turned her eyes from the professor only to take notes. She was unaware of a pair of hazel eyes gazing at her from behind square-rimmed glasses.

They watched her intently as she scrawled down a sentence, and then turned her eyes back to the front of the classroom where Professor Binns was rambling mindlessly as it seemed to the other students.

The eyes belonged to a tall, pale boy with messy black hair that refused to lie flat who sat across the aisle from Lily. He was surrounded by his three best mates, who were all asleep. He has been fascinated with the red-haired, green-eyed girl for quite a while, but right now...well, he didn't know what had come over him. Suddenly, he just couldn't take his eyes off her...the way her wavy red hair fell like a curtain until she brushed it back behind her ear, from whence it proceeded to fall once more until the scenario was repeated...the way her almond-shaped eyes could focus so easily, even when the lesson was so dull he couldn't help but tune it out...he was just fascinated by the way she was. He wondered how it would be to have her look at him with as much interest as she was looking at boring Professor Binns right now. Somehow, he thought in the back of his mind, he had realized his attraction to her in just under an hour, and now it was so strong he didn't even know what to do.

Well, he assumed he was popular enough, he could probably ask her out and have a fair chance of getting a positive answer.

And just like that, the class was over. Lily stood, and turned to leave, but another girl stuck her leg out, so that she tripped and plunged forward.

James Potter jumped up from his chair with such speed he seemed only a blur for a moment, and just managed to catch Lily before she hit the floor. He felt her exhale sharply, and helped her back to her feet slowly, strongly aware of how close she was.

Lily was gripping his wrist so hard her knuckles were white, but when she looked up into his eyes, he didn't even register that his hand was going numb. Her eyes were such a deep green and stood out so beautifully surrounded by her thick, dark eyelashes. How had he not noticed how completely gorgeous she was before?

Then she blinked, and he felt her hand leave his wrist. It seemed vaguely like she was trying to pull away from him, but he was so struck that he didn't even think to loosen his hold on her. Other students were beginning to stare at them.

"Thank you," Lily whispered, "Um..."

"James...James Potter," James said, sounding so awed that it caused Lily's eyes to widen. His arm around her waist was gentle, but still confining. She desperately hoped he intended to release her voluntarily very soon, because she could feel her breathing building up to hyperventilating.

Lily Evans was a philaphobic: she was absolutely terrified of romance, falling in love, closeness to the opposite gender, and anything remotely related to those. She was so different from the other teen witches that it made her feel like a different species around them sometimes. She had a few friends, but even around them she felt awkward sometimes, because, young though they still were, boys always seemed to be an interesting topic to them.

The thought of everyone's stares suddenly got through to James, and he slowly released Lily. She could almost sense his reluctance, but didn't want to seem ungrateful. He had just saved her from humiliation from one of the girls who seemed to have a personal vendetta with her for no reason except that she was 'weird'.

Even in her distress at James' closeness, the way he was smiling at her now made her feel kind of...accepted...as if he really thought she was, well, worth looking at.

But as soon as that thought crossed her mind, Lily forced a smile, waved lightly, and hurried off as fast as she could without making anyone think she was even stranger than they already did.

James still looked a bit lost, and Sirius Black, his best friend, stepped in front of him to wave a hand before his eyes in an attempt to get his attention.

James blinked and focused on Sirius with more than a little effort.

"You alright, mate? You look like someone just slapped you," Sirius prodded, looking briefly after Lily, and gathering a slight explanation for James' odd behavior in his mind.

"I'm just fine...in fact, better than I've been in quite awhile. Sirius, what do you know about Lily Evans?" James said, as he, Sirius, Remus, and Peter walked towards the door of the classroom.

"Well, she's a muggleborn," Sirius began.

"She's gorgeous," James said, as soon as they were in the hall, "Think I could get her to go out with me?"

"Whoa, slow down, mate. Since when are you smitten at first touch...that's supposed to be what the girls are like around us, not what we're like around them," Sirius said, in a tone that said he should not be messed with on the topic, "It's just the way it goes."

James frowned, "I don't care how it goes."

Peter Pettigrew stepped forward and turned to James, "Are you in love?" he asked, always the blunt one of the group.

James actually thought for a moment, earning an elbow to the ribs from Sirius, who answered for him, "Of course he isn't in love. The Marauders do not fall for girls: girls fall for us."

Remus Lupin pondered this statement for a moment before adding, "But...well, if we fall back, then that's to be expected."

Sirius made a dramatic gesture of a bow, "Of course, my learned friend. Always the logical one, you are."

James punched Sirius in the arm, "That's for answering the question wrongly; and Peter, I think I _am _in love."

"Good grief, mate, you're such an idiot," Sirius said.


	2. Chapter 2

A few months passed, and Lily had almost forgotten the episode in History of Magic class. She still felt odd whenever she saw James Potter...especially when she caught him looking back, which happened to be just a little too often for comfort. They didn't really talk, though. In fact, they barely acknowledged each other, but she didn't mind, because the further away from boys she stayed, the safer she was from having one fall in love with her or anything like that. Lily liked things the way they were and had no wish for them to change. She was no fan of change.

Then one day in the last week of school, after a Herbology lesson , James Potter walked right up to her, and, though she had expected him to walk right past her, stopped not two feet in front of her. The sudden closeness set off her warning meter, and Lily didn't meet his eyes as she swallowed hard. His presence did have the strangest effect on her, and she didn't like that one bit. She willed him to continue on his way, but this was obviously useless.

"Hi, Evans," James said, causing her to look up at him. The look in his eyes startled her slightly, but she was determined not to show it. She just hoped she hadn't gone red at how close he was.

"Hi," she said quickly, and then tried to walk around him, hoping not to seem too stuck up. She just couldn't deal with the weird feelings right now, particularly when he was so much closer than he usually was when she felt them.

"Wait," James said, grabbing her wrist gently to stop her, "Hey, uh, I was wondering..."

He seemed to be waiting for her to look back at him to say exactly what he was wondering, but she guessed she was probably bright red from the contact of his hand with her wrist, and couldn't bear for him to see it. For some odd reason, her mind was drawn to the feeling of his hand against her arm. It was slightly rough and calloused from his Quidditch playing, but she found herself liking it, which made her feel sick to her stomach. It was strong, and manly, though he was barely in his teens. No, she definitely could not look him in the eyes at that time.

James nervously licked his lips once, and said, "Well, I was wondering if you'd be my girlfriend."

A very audible gasp mixed with something like a scream left Lily's mouth before she could stop it and she felt her entire body freeze. No, this just could not be happening to her...and James Potter of all people? He was like the cutest, most popular boy at Hogwarts according to her dorm mates, and she was, well, a nerd. He shouldn't like her; it wasn't right. She thought about pulling away quickly and running, but at the moment, she felt more like passing out.

James took a step towards her, slightly concerned by both her silence and her appearance. She was sheet white, making her freckles stand out starkly, and her green eyes were wide. She just looked at him blankly, and then suddenly pulled away and ran across the greenhouse without a look back.

James had no idea what to think of that. He had never actually liked a girl enough to ask her to be his girlfriend, and when he finally found one, this had happened. Apparently Sirius wasn't as right as usual. The past few weeks, Sirius had finally seemed to accept that James was completely smitten by Lily Evans, and had repeatedly assured him that all of the girls at Hogwarts were tripping over each other to be the girlfriend of one of the Marauders.

While he was thinking about this, Sirius came up behind him and slapped him on the shoulder blade, "How'd it go, Mate?"

James turned a look of skepticism on his best friend, "Honestly? Awful. You're an idiot, Sirius, if you really think you can have any girl you want."

"What?" Sirius seemed completely dumbstruck, which was something James had never seen in his friend before. Nothing ever surprised Sirius, so he had obviously believed his own words, "She said no?"

There was a moment of silence, and then James said, "No, actually, but she most definitely didn't say yes."

Lily ran up to her room and fell on her bed, bursting into tears as soon as the curtain hid her from the rest of the empty room.

Why? Why did someone actually have to ask her that question? She had never given James any reason to think that question was acceptable with her, and on top of that, they never talked. Maybe it would have been easier if they _had _talked, Lily thought, then maybe he would have known how scared she was of romance, and all that stuff that went with it. He might have known that she didn't want a boyfriend, or a love life, or butterflies, or any of the weird feelings that girls said went hand-in-hand with love and crushes.

Then a thought she had pushed away for such a long time that she didn't even know what was in it broke through the thin layer keeping it from the forefront of her mind._ "James Potter is actually really cute, so if I have to have a crush on somebody, it might as well be him."_

Lily actually thought about that for a moment, before pushing it back to where it had been before. Why was she suddenly so vulnerable to the things she was so afraid of?

_Oh no, do I have a crush on James Potter?_

The horror of that thought brought a fresh burst of tears. She wasn't supposed to have crushes!

_Bad Lily, bad_, she chided herself mentally, _he'll only let you down and you know it. Better to just forget the whole thing._

Little did she know how impossible that suggestion really was, because she didn't know James Potter.

"She really turned you down?" Remus seemed genuinely surprised as he guessed Lily's response from the look of confusion on James' face as he and Sirius joined Peter and Remus in the second year boys' dorm an hour after the incident in the greenhouse.

"She didn't say no!" James protested.

"But she didn't say yes," Remus stated, "I'm, well...I'm shocked."

Peter seemed deep in thought, and when James turned to him for an opinion, he looked up and said, "Perhaps it was a bit sudden. You never actually talk to her."

"Wow, Peter, really deep!" Sirius seemed annoyed by his friend's suggestion, "James is like the most popular guy at Hogwarts, why should a girl care if she knows him."

James turned to Peter, however, and said, "Yeah, you're probably right. I just didn't expect..."

"You can't predict girls, James," Remus stated simply, "You never know what to expect."

"Well, no answer isn't as bad as 'no', I guess," James thought aloud.

"What? You're not seriously still going after the same girl, mate! That's...man, that's humiliating," Sirius was giving James a look of disbelief, "Just accept that she's not interested and move on."

"Move on? Sirius...I think I'm in love," James actually seemed timid, "I don't _want _to move on, I just want to be with her."

"Something's wrong with you, Man," Sirius stated.

"Yeah, maybe..." James voice trailed off, then he said, "Alright, this year is practically over, but how about next year you guys help me."

"Help you?" Remus questioned.

"Of course, you're my best friends," James said.

"Oh...great," Sirius seemed positively elated, and James had no idea why. He didn't have a clue what he had just gotten himself into.


End file.
